An update from a year ago. Don’t worry: this post won’t be nearly as long as the one I made last August that detailed A Battle in My Mental Illness War.

I just wanted to take a second and update people who may read this blog as to how things are now. In short, I couldn’t have asked for things to have gone better with my treatment.

My switch to Zoloft (sertraline) was not easy at first, and I started at a low dose of 25mg. I had trouble eating and sleeping, and was really, really groggy. That lasted the better part of a week, and when the nausea and other effects ended, they ended extremely quickly—literally on the day I was flying to Florida to go on a cruise. I rapidly regained my appetite and had a great time on the trip.  When I returned from the cruise, I moved up to a 50mg dose which is the lowest therapeutic dose used for sertraline. That lasted until around January when my doctor decided that I may be better served taking 75mg. I have been doing that since, and don’t feel like I need to increase it.

So what feels different in that amount of time? A list is probably the easiest way to explain.

-I don’t obsess about health issues nearly like I used to. Is my hypochondriasis totally gone? No. I still sometimes get a jolt if I have a new body sensation or see a mole that maybe I hadn’t noticed before. But what I don’t do is run immediately to the internet and look up what it might be. (Pro-tip: the answer online is always “cancer”, so if you are considering looking up symptoms, don’t). I have also stopped spending the next day…ok, the next week or month…obsessing about it. Sometimes it feels like I have a mental flyswatter and those intrusive “this is it—you have a dreaded ailment” thoughts can be easily brushed aside. They sometimes try to return, but I can brush them away again. They don’t sit and linger like they used to.

-I’m able to be more forthcoming about potential issues in therapy. I don’t get a feeling like I shouldn’t address issues that may be on my mind. It wasn’t my therapist holding me back from doing that in the past: it was me and my anxiety.

-Likewise, I feel like I’m back to being able to share anything that’s on my mind with my wife, even if the conversation may not be easy. I can initiate those conversations the way I used to be able to do before the cumulative anxiety overwhelmed me.

-I’m much calmer. My blood pressure is still regulated by a small dose of HCZL but home and office readings are usually between 115-130 over 85-95, and usually low 120s / high 80s. The days of 140/115 popping up on the BP meter seem to be long gone.

-I lost inches on my waist. I do work out and when I am sure that was part of it, but also not having my brain pumping my body full of cortisol at every opportunity is a big part of that as well.

-I am much slower to impulsively react to things than I once was. That’s not to say it can’t still happen: I don’t think I will ever be able to say I’m not at all impulsive! But it’s been so mitigated compared to the past—things that used to instantly fire me up now are much more likely to roll off me.

-I certainly felt like I had built a wall between myself and my students over the past couple of years when it came to making a connection. That wall was demolished over the past 12 months. I have a strong, confident feeling that this will continue with my incoming class next year.

-I’m just calmer and happier. The best analogy I can make is to compare it to living in a city, where the longer you live there, the city noise just becomes your normal. I feel like my brain was a city dweller so long that I thought my mental noise was normal, never really thinking that my mind could and should be so much quieter and more tranquil. Now I feel the same way I feel when I step out into my backyard at night: there isn’t much noise except for animal sounds and an occasional train. I notice the tranquility of it all—and that’s what I notice now when I hear myself think. My thoughts are relaxed, and the obtrusive and nagging worries have dissipated. 

The best thing I ever did was be honest about my mental illness struggles, stop fighting a losing battle on my own, and accept the support that was always there from my family, my friends, my therapist, and my doctor. That support base allowed me to get the proper medication and therapeutic approach that allowed me to tackle my issues head on and improve my life. Anyone reading this, please don’t wait as long as I did to do the same. If you read the original post about my battle with mental illness, you saw that I went decades before I really allowed myself to admit that I had some serious, worsening issues. I was afraid of the stigma that came with mental illness, especially for men. I don’t think that stigma is as prevalent as it once was, and even if it is, overcoming that adversity and getting healthy is far more important to me than any label that society would attempt to put on me. Trust me when I say it’s among the best feelings in the world, and I encourage anyone feeling similarly to find a trusted physician or counselor and begin that journey toward health—even if you start by opening up to a trusted friend. That first step can make all the difference.

Thanks to anyone reading this and the many who have supported me over the past year. There are too many to list, from all areas of my life. I appreciate you all more than I could express.